Messy or Not... Here I Am
A reintroduction to the world upon first leaving the cave...
> Hello, World!
> My name is Cassandra… or you could call me Curious, if you’re feeling poetic. That’s just me bringing a programming dad joke to a new paradigm. It’s probably a terrible icebreaker by my impostor syndrome’s standards, but we’re here now, and I can move forward from this point. So, I’m going to call that problem solving.
The last name’s Reed, if you’re feeling formal or want to check my papers.
Supposedly, I don’t have to worry about that because they call me a citizen of this land. That’s despite not having more than a drop of blood in my veins from the First Nations of this place, but of course, that’s normal, right? They tell me it’s normal.
I’m allowed to be here today because my folks sailed, snuck, or were dragged across these particular imaginary lines more than a couple ‘great-great’ ago’s, which makes me legal and righteous by someone’s dumb standard. Yippee…
The place where I sit is admittedly not where I was born as I’ve enjoyed some freedom of movement in this life. Mostly in the last few years, once I had a small bit of success in the capitalism survival game.
It’s funny how skin tone can do a lot for your freedom of movement, but it alone does not give you the means to move if you don’t come with the coin. There’s a clue in that. Thankfully, I scrapped up just enough of the needed coin to buy myself a safe space in this world and a couple sacks of goods from the rugged individualist store. I’m not sure it’s enough to last me through much more than another winter though.
How about you? Did you get everything you needed from the rugged individualist store before they closed?I hope you did; I hope everyone did. I still think it’s a good idea for us to consider what we’re planting this season.
Speaking of my new home, here is the place I chose to try again after finally giving myself permission to cut ties with the old. My trauma brain at the time couldn’t throw a rope very far, so I ended up only two states over, but I’ll still give myself credit for doing something hard nonetheless.
Let’s calibrate real quick here, for the benefit of those who read between the lines as a practice. I don’t want you to think I’m saying something I’m not about the potential for healing in place. I do actually think it’s possible to heal from trauma in the place where you received it… sometimes. I also think it can really be helpful to get a change of scenery and take a step back sometimes, too. It all depends on the nuance.
I’ve always been drawn to situationist philosophy, but I know a lot of people who want clear rules that apply to all situations find that school of thought exhausting. Since we’re here sharing nuanced thoughts though, let me just say that I appreciate people who read between the lines as a practice, by the way. I don’t mind clarifying, at all.
I have within me the goal of being understood. I hold that higher and in more esteem than I’ve ever held the goal of being right.
For me, I grew up in the flatlands, and I find it makes a difference to see mountains out my window every day. It’s an unmissable reminder that paradigms can change.
I also find it helpful to remember that these mountains were here before me, and I should calibrate accordingly.
This place where I have a piece of paper that says I can legally exist here now, at least until the next election, was part of the Monongahela culture once. It wasn't really that long ago either if you compare it on a timeline against a list of other things.
That’s always an interesting game to play to try to calibrate, especially when things seem so stagnant that they look like they might never change. The maps I've seen show that stamp of Monongahela across such a wide swath of land that I can’t help but wonder what nuance existed back then that’s at least at the moment lost to me. I know the Massawomeck were nearby and the Susquehannock, but that’s my best attempt to not be a dumbass about these matters.
Somehow I’m aware that as much as I try, there will always be another perspective next to which I will be the dumbass. Same goes for anyone though, so let's try not to get too hung up on such thoughts that it keeps us from stretching or growing.
I try to carry the long memory as best I can, but I recognize my short comings on this matter almost every day. These mountain landscapes that surround me make me curious how others lived without the walls, wheels and tools I use to make this less forgiving terrain seem like home as best I can.
In the flatlands, I took for granted a certain level of movement because of how simple it can be to move across a level playing field assuming nothing is standing in front of you blocking your path, at least. Assuming no one is chasing you or telling you you’re illegal.
In the mountains, I dropped my car off at a mechanics that was a 9 minute drive from my home. The same distance walked backwards would have taken an hour and forty minutes because of the terrain. What a humbling reminder of the limitations of this body suit we walk around in. Now imagine if I didn’t have two working legs or couldn’t see the road in front of me.
As it were, I caught a ride, but I regretted it. Well, thankfully it was a sort of half regret, but the halfness of it was itself a tale of privilege because lots of folks would have likely wholly regretted that ride. That’s a story for another day. I’m supposed to be introducing myself here.
The truth is I feel like a stranger in this place, but I don’t think it’s just because I wasn’t born here. I felt like a stranger in the place where I was born, too. That’s why I eventually left after I worked up the permission and the purse, but I took my stranger with me as it seems.
Now, I am in the habit of leaving offerings for whoever or whatever might still be here that I don’t know the name of - the gods, the dead, or whatever forgotten thing in between. The birds have told me it’s appreciated and well-received, so I feel safer here than I ever remember feeling before, in this lifetime anyway.
I thought I came here to sit still and hide. I thought I bought this safe space to mind my own business and leave the world to its own devices. The mountains helped me remember a few things about change though.
As old as they are, the mountains still start each day with a beginner’s mind. I know because I hear them cracking and shifting every morning as they take stock, stretch, and shake off old growth to make room for new.
They make me feel like I’m part of this world - the mountains and the birds. It took me quite a few years, but I'm getting pretty good at reminding myself of that, too. Listen, can I calibrate for a moment here, fellow bearers of consciousness. I sincerely hope that I haven’t come off as contentious, overly pretentious, or aggressive to start. First impressions are difficult, and you know how things are extra tense lately.
I’d definitely like to keep it on a first name basis, if you agree. I’m pretty adaptable and open to new ideas these days as long as you respect my more fundamental boundaries, of course.
For example, for us to be on the same page with having conversations of any relative depth, it would be helpful for us to start with some basics up front. I could make you a list for myself, but don't worry, it’s going to contain simple things like women are people and nobody’s skin tone should be involved in discussions of their value. You know, the easy stuff.
By the way, why are we discussing people’s inherent value, again? I seem to remember this conversation was already had many times over by peoples in the past. I’m legitimately curious because it doesn’t seem like there’s any reason for the conversation to be had by anyone, even arguably not even by armchair philosophers, unless at least one party has a motivation to use or abuse another party?
Can you think of another reason it would come up in real world situations?
Oh, and it might be important to be very clear right now since this is supposed to be an introduction, dear folks, that I think we’re way past the point where there’s any legitimate reason that a single person on this planet should be worried about bombs dropping right now. Not a single person.
I don’t care who they pray to or don’t; I wouldn't bomb them. I've practiced witchcraft for nearly 25 years, mostly in red states, and that's not a metaphor. Are you sure you understand all the nuances of your neighbors?
I don’t care if they like me or not; I wouldn't bomb them. I got chased around by non-ironic nazis quite a bit in college, so I have some perspective on what resentment can look like. If you lean in close though, I'll tell you a secret - everyone wants a safe place to go home to at night. Everyone.
I don’t even care if they’re too embarrassed to admit they poop; I still wouldn't bomb them. That shit sounds like trauma to me, pardon my french, and I'm willing to give people with trauma a little more leeway assuming they take their fingers off the trigger, please and thank you. Let’s go one step further though because why not? We've come this far, and new ideas are fun, kids.
If I'm practicing radical honesty these days, I could even go so far as to say that even if I knew that you were a deplorable human based on enough specific evidence to satisfy me that I’d never want to sit across a table from you for a single cordial meal in this lifetime, I still wouldn’t drop a bomb on you. I still wouldn't because I understand the concept of collateral damage, and I might hurt another human or an animal in the crossfire. Those trees and bushes never did anything to me either. I'd like them to grow.
Every time I peak in this paradigm, all I see are the traumatized children of traumatized children counting back as many generations as I can go, all just trying to scrape out a hint of meaning from this shifty paradigm.
Are you really trying to sell me that we don’t have enough evidence of our past human’s mistakes to understand this?
At this point all the arguments for dropping bombs are exhausted. The real reasons and the lies all sound dumb to me, and I know I'm not the only one. For real. It’s weak consciousness energy.
I hope you won't take this next statement as offensive, dear thoughtful thoughtholder, but I have to say this... I actually think those kind of discussions are pretty trite at this point because, again, it just seems obvious to me that there has been sufficient evidence to support these conclusions I’m drawing since long before I was born.
I mean... I’m an almost 39 year old human, and I feel like I grew up with this stuff. Justice. Autonomy. Mutual Aid. I’m just saying.
I was personally hoping we’d be moving on down the intellectual road by now, but we still are having some very disturbing discrepancies amonst the collective about what everyone thinks it means when you put the words basic, human, and rights together in a sentence. How about we go ahead and work that out in this generation, sound alright?
First step - stop dropping bombs. It seems like an easy one to me - just stop. Stop. No one is superfluous on this earth.
If you’re still here, may I just say, I appreciate your curiosity so much.
Hey, it’s just a practical thing if it’s cryptic anyway. We simply don’t have each other’s life story on hand already for context, you and I.
Also, much to my chagrin, I have not figured out how to Spock-style mind-meld, yet. That would be my preferred super power, by the way, if given the choice. Think about the understanding we could share. It would be a game changer. If someone's got the trick, help a sister out. For now, I’ll have to settle for reminding myself in this now moment that it’s important to just begin.
I’ll choose to recognize that anything that comes up in the first several offerings, by virtue of their being forefront on my mind from the start, are most likely the things that will bear repeating down the way. That does help ease the analysis paralysis a bit.Repeat it if you need to… it’s important to just begin.
Begin what exactly, Cassandra?
Well, we begin building new paradigms, of course.
It begins (has begun, is beginning, will always begin again) with having a wider pool of shared language built consciously that has mechanisms for integrating new data and considering new ideas. At least, that’s my guess.
My impostor syndrome would like me to answer what the hell I think I know about this subject, but thankfully, I’ve been walking in the shadows long enough answering such quips that this line of questioning doesn’t phase me much anymore.
I’ve got some new ideas I’d like to share. More importantly, I’m feeling more confident these days about my mechanisms for integrating new data and making decisions. I think I might be able to help some other folks with that, too. I know things are a bit overwhelming these days with the amount of data flowing in.
I think there’s data in all the various behaviors we’re seeing from humanity, but I don’t think all of it equally speaks to the core of human nature in the same way. That requires more nuance of thought. For now, I’ll say I do think everything makes complete sense when you consider the interplay of nature and nurture in all things.
I think much of what we are seeing now in the world is the trauma brain high on capitalism lacking sufficient sleep or nutrients to make good decisions. It’s a dangerous combination that I’m not trying to make light of, but have we not seen these symptoms before that we can recognize this illness?
I might not have the certificate needed to make the diagnosis, but having been diagnosed myself, I’m of the opinion that the collective consciousness is starting to come to terms with it’s own shared state of C-PTSD. It doesn’t have all the most helpful language in all the right places, yet, and there’s still a lot of weapons on the board, so the day to day is a little rocky, to say the least. Some of us really shouldn’t be operating so much heavy equipment until we calibrate emotionally. Put it down.
It’s sort of an aside, but also feels relevant to mention, I think at this late stage of the collapse, we have a serious resentment problem in the mix that might be part of the root of the issue.
I mention it in case it holds some clues to building a new paradigm. Let’s make a note of that for future discussion, shall we?
Oh, my goodness and sincere apologies. You know what I just realized?
I’m so out of practice at this introduction stuff, here I am just rambling on, and I almost forgot to mention what you would need in case you might have to refer to me later in polite conversation.
I’m a she/her/they, in case you were wondering. To give you some more nuanced truths, I’m a little bit two-spirit, but I don’t hate women, so I’m happy to present as a sister myself. Even though it really should go without saying, let me take the time to make sure it's clear, if I ever were to address you incorrectly, you’re always welcome to correct me.
I don’t care if the answer changes tomorrow and then again the next day. I respect your autonomy, ok, my friend.
See how easy it is to show respect to each other? I know, it really is.
Whew, alright, friends, I think we’re clear for now. I think we’ve successfully chased away the people who weren’t here with a motivation to understand each other anyway.
You know the ones that just want to be right, and think they have enough data and perspective to possibly have the answers for everybody. I know, it's so laughable, right?
I knew they were hanging in there solid for a minute planning to troll me hard for dancing around all that feminism and Free Palestine right off the bat, but then when I swung heavy into emotional awareness, I figured I'd catch them in their uncomfortable spot. Then by the time I got to the declaration of pronouns, I’m sure they had assumed I was so lost to the woke mind virus that it wasn’t worth it. These tedious sorts.
Now we can talk about the (r)evolution more clearly between us. Come in close and bring all your nuance. We’re going to need it. I'm so grateful to be here with you now.
{Top: Original art by CuriousCassandra, Painting with 'Self' Consciousness #2, 2024} {Bottom: Art by the incredible Charlie Quintero (left, Moon Power Tarot) and the enigmatic Rita Rose (right, Outsider Art Tarot)}
I can’t wait to read more and more and more!
fantastic writing as always friend.